Book Summary: The Coaching Habit

Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier

📖 The Book in 3 Sentences

1. "The Coaching Habit" introduces a set of seven powerful questions that ignite deep thinking, challenge assumptions, and drive meaningful change.
2. This book focuses on changing the reader's habits from giving advice and being the problem solver to being curious and asking a well structured set of questions to unlock valuable insights, uncover hidden challenges, and help individuals discover their own solutions.
3. In between each question is a question masterclass focusing on different skills and new habits including listening, allowing silence, rhetorical questions, starting with what, acknowledging answers and use channels to ask a question

🖼 Impressions

This book has really changed my perspective and approach on coaching. It helped me understand that by carefully guiding my colleagues and coachees through the seven questions laid out, I can help them formulate their own solutions and improve the quality of our interactions.

👥 Who should read it?

Anyone who is acts in a management or leadership roles with employees or coachees that often seek guidance or direction.

💡 How the book changed me

• It made me more curious to pause and ask more questions and actively listen more
• Through well thought out questions I can help my coachee navigate the problem and guide them to a solution of their own
• Taming my advice monster, ask more questions, provide less advice

✍️ My Top 3 Quotes

The researchers found that when the word “you” was present, the questions needed to be repeated fewer times, and the problems were solved in a shorter amount of time and with more accuracy.

Bill “Mr. Simplicity” Jensen taught me that the secret to saying No was to shift the focus and learn how to say yes more slowly.

This is why, in a nutshell, advice is overrated. I can tell you something, and it's got a limited chance of making its way into your brain's hippocampus, the region that encodes memory. If I can ask you a question and you generate the answer yourself, the odds increase substantially.

📒 Summary + Notes

Ask the following six questions

1. What’s on your mind?
2. And what else?
3. What’s the real challenge here for you?
4. What do you want?
5. How can I help?
6. If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?
7. What was most useful to you?

Book Notes

You Need a Coaching Habit

Coaching is one of the six essential leadership styles and has shown to have a marked impact on people but is least used.

And while “coaching” is now a more commonly used term, the actual practice of coaching still doesn’t seem to be occurring that often. And when it does, it doesn’t seem to work.

You can coach someone in ten minutes or less. And in today’s busy world, you have to be able to coach in ten minutes or less.

Coaching should be a daily, informal act, not an occasional, formal “It’s Coaching Time!” event.

The essence of coaching lies in helping others and unlocking their potential.

Effective coaching helps with x3 issues in the work place

1. Over-dependence
2. Getting Overwhelmed
3. Becoming disconnected

How to Build a Habit

• Make a vow - think less about what your habit can do for you, and more about how this new habit will help a person or people you care about
• Find your trigger - know what triggers your past behavior
• Double S It - Be Short & Specific
• Practice small chunks of the bigger action (for instance, rather than practice the whole tennis serve, you pratice just tossing the ball up).
• Repetition, repetition, repetition
• Start somewhere easy and start small
• Buddy up with someone
• When you start something new you’ll face resistance

Question Masterclass Part 1: Ask One Question at a Time

I will ask just one question. (And then be quiet while I wait for the answer).

Chapter 1 - The Kickstart Question

“What’s on your mind?”

Open question, invites people to get to the heart of the matter and share what’s most important to them.

Question is focused to target what’s exciting, provoking anxiety, all-consuming or really just at the front of their mind.

“Let’s talk about things that matters most”

Coaching for performance - fixing a specific problem or challenge

Coaching for development - to the person dealing with the issue

3P Model - Projects, People and Patterns

Projects - the stuff being worked on

People - relationships and roles in relationships

Patterns - patterns of behavior and ways of working that need to change, coaching for development

For each “P” - ask the question “If this was a thing, what would the challenge be here for you?”

Question Masterclass Part 2: Cut the Intro and Ask the Question

Ask the question. (And then shut up to listen to the answer).

Chapter 2 - The AWE Question

The AWE Question “And What Else?” With seemingly no effort, it creates more - more wisdom, more insights, more self-awareness, more possibilities - out of thin air.

You tame the Advice Monster

Tell less and ask more.

Your advice is not as good

As you think it is.

You have the best of intentions to stay curious and ask a few good questions.

There’s a place for giving advice, of course. This book isn’t suggesting that you never give anyone an answer ever again. But it’s an overused and often ineffective response.

In short, even though we don’t really know what the issue is, or what’s going on for the person, we’re quite sure we’ve got the answer she needs.

• And what else helps break the cycle of giving advice and makes you stay curious
• Asking the question also buys you a little bit of time especially if you’re trying to figure out what’s going on
• Always stay curious and stay genuine
• Try to ask the question x3 - x5 times
• At some stage they will say “There is nothing else”

“And what else is the quickest and easiest ways to uncover and create new possibilities”

Finding the Right Moment

• When someone tells you about the course of action you can challenge them with “And what else could you do?”
• When getting to the heart of the issue you ask “What’s the real challenge here for you?” you can push deeper and ask “And what else is the real challenge here for you?”
• When you start the meeting by asking “What’s important right now?” and you keep the pressure by asking “And what else?”
• When someone’s pushing the boundaries of courage and possibility, deepen the potential by asking “And what else might be possible?”
• When brainstorming ideas to maintain the energy keep asking “And what else?”

Question Masterclass Part 3: Should You Ask Rhetorical Questions?

Instead of asking a fake question such as “Have you thought of…” Or “What about...?” which is just advice with a question mark attached…

I will ask one of the seven essential questions.

Chapter 3 - The Focus Question

What’s the challenge?

What’s the real challenge here?

Whats’ the real challenge here for you? - The “for you” is what is in the question to the person you’re talking to. It keeps the question personal and makes the person you’re talking to wrestle with her struggle and what she needs to figure out.

Instead of moving into advice-giving, solution-providing mode, you ask the Focus Question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”

Problem are quite prolific and they will continue and if so:

Resist the temptation to do the work and to pick one of the many challenges as the starting point (even though, no doubt, you’ll have an opinion on which one it should be). Instead, ask something like this:

“If you had to pick one of these to focus on, which one here would be the real challenge for you?”

Make sure the discussion doesn’t turn in to a venting session - ask the focus question “I think I understand some of what’s going on with [insert name of person or the situation]. What’s the real challenge here for you?”

Bring back the focus of the discussion if you’re drifting back to the person at hand: “I have a sense of the overall challenge. What’s the real challenge here for you?”

By adding the “for you” portion to the question there’s often additional personal insight, and with personal insight comes increased growth and capability.

Remember That There is a Place for your Advice

When someone pops his head around the door and asks, “Do you know where the folder is?” tell him where the folder is. Don’t ask, “What’s the real challenge for you?” That’s just annoying.

Remember the Second Question - “And what else?” after asking the what’s the challenge question.

The researchers found that when the word “you” was present, the questions needed to be repeated fewer times, and the problems were solved in a shorter amount of time and with more accuracy.

Question Masterclass Part 4: Stick to Questions Starting with “What”

Asking why? first can have issues - it can put people on the defensive is the tone and intent is not used correctly.

You’re trying to solve the problem which also creates issues of over-dependency.

Instead when I’m tempted to ask “Why”

I reframe the question to “What”

For example “What made you choose this course of action?”

“What’s important for you here?”

An Irresistible 1-2-3 Combination

Open with “What’s on your mind?”

Check in “Is there anything on your mind?”

Focus: “So what the real challenge here for you?”

Ask: “And what else (is the real challenge here for you?)”?

Probe again: “Is there anything else?”

So you get to the heart of it and ask “So .. what’s the real challenge her for you?”

Chapter 4 - The Foundation Question

“What do you want?”

There are times when simply asking a question is the thing to do. And there are other times when sharing your answer to that same question can increase its impact. “What do you want?” is an extraordinarily strong question. Its power is amplified when you not only ask the question of the person you’re working with but also answer the question for yourself.

When we each understand what the other wants, we’re in the middle of an interesting and worthwhile conversation. And part of the reason for that is the neuroscience of engagement.

Question Masterclass Part 5: Get Comfortable With Silence

Instead of filling up the space with another question or the same question just asked in a new way…

I will take a breath, stay open and keep quiet for another three seconds.

Chapter 5 - The Lazy Question

The Lazy Question: How Can I help?

Two components - first asking colleague to make a direct and clear request and secondly it stop you from thinking that you know how to vest to help and leaping into action.

Whilst asking this question opens you up to a range of answers that drain our responsibility you can respond in a number ways:

1. Yes
2. No I can’t do that
3. I can’t do that but I could do [insert your offer]
4. Let me think about that
5. I’m not sure let me check a few things out

Remember resist the temptation to give answers

The objective is for people to find their own answers

For example if someone asks the question “How do I [query that sucks me in]?”

Instead of simply providing the answer.

Say “That’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas, which I’ll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?”

And keep the conversation going by saying “That’s terrific, what else could you do?”

Keep nodding “This is good, is there anything else you could try here?” and you can add “And what else” and just keep going until they run out of ideas.

Question Masterclass Part 6: Actually Listen to the Answer

Actually listen. And when I get distracted (which I will), I’ll come back and start listening again.

Chapter 6 - The Strategic Question

The Strategic Question: If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?

Brings the commitment out of the shadows.

If you then ask “What could being fully committed to this idea look like?” it brings things into sharper, bolder focus.

The No put the spotlight on how to create the space and focus, energy and resources that you’ll need to truly do that Yes.

Use the 3P to cover all bases in the questions

Projects

• What projects do you need to abandon or postpone?
• What meetings will you no longer attend?
• What resources do you need to divert to the Yes?

People

• What expectations do you need to manage?
• From what Drama Triangle dynamics will you extract yourself?
• What relationships will let you wither?

Patterns

• What habits do you need to break?
• What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update?
• What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?

When Should You Say No? (And When Should You Say Yes?)

Yes/No	Bad Reasons to Say…	Good Reasons to Say…
Yes	I’ll do anything to have you get off the phone or leave my office	I was curious about the request and asked questions, and the person gave me good answers
	I know that I’m not actually going to do it	I’m clear on what I’m going to stop doing so I can start doing this
	I think this will make people really like me	It’s Great Work for me - work that will have an impact and that means something
	Habit	My boss has made it clear that it’s not negotiable
No	I don’t like the person (Unless I really don’t like the person.)	I was curious about the request and asked questions, and the person gave me good answers, so now I know it’s not a fit.
	I’m comfortable and I don’t want things to change	I’ve thought about what my core priorities are, and I’m willing to hold the line.
	Attack is the best form of defense.	I’m trying to build a reputation as someone who’s strategic and thoughtful
	Habit.

Bill “Mr. Simplicity” Jensen taught me that the secret to saying No was to shift the focus and learn how to say yes more slowly.

Stay curious before committing and you can ask more questions.

Why are you asking me?

Whom else have you asked?

When you say this is urgent, what do you mean?

According to what standard does this need to be completed? by when?

If I couldn’t do all of this, but could do just a part, what part would you have me do?

What do you want me to take off my plate so I can do this?

Book Recommendation: Playing to Win by Roger Martin and A.G. Lafley (Proctor and Gamble CEO)

What is our winning Aspiration? - framing the choice as “winning” rules out of mediocrity as an option. You need to know what game you’re playing and with (and against) whom.

Where will we play? - Choosing a sector, geography, product, channel and customer allows you to focus your resources.

How will we win? - What’s the defendable difference that will open up the gap between you and the others?

What capabilities must be in place? - Not just what do you need to do, but how will it become and stay a strength?

What management systems are required? - Easy to measure but harder to figure out what to measure that matters

Question Masterclass Part 7: Acknowledge the Answers You Get

Instead of rushing on to the next question.

I will acknowledge the reply by saying, “Yes that’s good”

Chapter 7 - The Learning Question

The Learning Question: What was most useful for you?

But helping people learn is difficult. Sometimes it feels like even though you’ve hit them across the head repeatedly with an obvious concept (or a shovel perhaps), somehow the point you’ve been trying to make hasn’t stuck. Here’s why:

People don’t really learn when you tell them something.

They don’t even really learn when they do something.

They start learning, start creating new neural pathways, only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what just happened.

When we take time and effort to generate knowledge and find an answer rather than just reading it, our memory retention is increased.

This is why, in a nutshell, advice is overrated. I can tell you something, and it's got a limited chance of making its way into your brain's hippocampus, the region that encodes memory. If I can ask you a question and you generate the answer yourself, the odds increase substantially.

Book recommendation: Make It Stick: The Science of Successful Learning by Peter Brown, Henry Roediger and Mark McDaniel.

Reflection is a form of practice

This question helps the person focus on one or two key takeaways from the conversation.

Question Masterclass Part 8: Use Every Channel to Ask a Question

When i get an email that triggers the advice monster I should provoke a few questions.

“Wow there’s a lot going on here. What’s the real challenge here for you, do you think?”

“I’ve scanned your email. In a sentence or two, what do you want?”

“Before I jump into a longer reply, let me ask you: What’s the real challenge here for you?”

Conclusion

The purpose of these questions is to make sure we:

• Reduce the baggage
• Sometimes we are too certain, thinking we know the destination and path to get there
• Wandering off path too quickly
• Working too hard to get back on the path
• Being exhausted at the end and not progressing as far as we’d liked

The real secret sauce is to build our habit of curiosity.

A little less advice, a little more curiosity.